Day +25. At my appointment yesterday we found out my counts are dropping, except for the platelets which are oddly increasing. My neutrophils were low so I got a shot of Neupogen, and my hemoglobin is trending downward — I might need a transfusion in the near to distant future if it doesn’t pick up. All of this isn’t out of the ordinary and isn’t a cause for alarm. They should all begin to start picking up soon though. I hope. This helps explain why I’ve been increasingly tired and fairly irritable as of late, hence why I haven’t been writing much. If you don’t have something nice to say… That and nothing interesting has been happening other than me sleeping a ton, gaining weight (which all the nurses say is a good thing? but I’m irritated by it), and going from show to show aimlessly, mindlessly binge watching things, which I believe is a big source of frustration since I feel like I’m wasting my time.
One of my dearest friends Monique told me that you have the option to press reset every morning when you wake up, and you can reset your attitude to a positive one. I am a firm believer of that ideology, except it’s only after I’ve had some Tylenol and oxycodone that I can even begin to reach for that reset button.
Good days and bad days. My current daily battle. Will today be a good day? What determines if a day is good? Is there something inherent about the day itself that determines it’s goodness or badness? My mood? My pain level? My bowel movements? Level of productivity? With what moral lens am I examining these days to determine their goodness factor? I suppose at the end of the day it’s all subjective, right? So that means a subjectively bad day can be as subjectively good, no? Which means that this concept of good vs. bad days isn’t an absolute. Thus on my bad days, I’m equally having a good day if I allow myself to see it that way, and vice versa. Food for thought.
This is my second week out of the hospital and things are going pretty well with my dad taking care of me. We had a really good story time sesh today where he basically told me his whole life story — something I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear! (Twenty six years is a long time to wait, dad. Geez.) My dad’s a man of few words, so he doesn’t say anything that isn’t necessary. To hear his version of his plight and more importantly his reflections on life was a real treat and really gave me a lot of perspective in one of my darkest hours. Be strong and persevere.
Next week around day +30, I’ll get to find out the exact amount of chimerism that exists in me currently. That is, for the non-science folk out there, we’ll be able to determine how much of me is my donor and how much of me actually remains. I’m suuuuuper excited about this!! (Naturally, being the nerd that I am). I can’t wait to find out! 🙂